


Hand Me Downs

by patricia27



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Very slight Destiel, mostly strong friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patricia27/pseuds/patricia27
Summary: A look and a call to a different name. That's all it sometimes takes for someone to come undone.Warning : references very slightly to Season 15 Episode 15. no major plot spoilers though.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester
Kudos: 5





	Hand Me Downs

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so i hope everyone is healthy and doing well and taking the best possible precautions for protecting yourself, your loved ones as well all our fellow species mates from the pandemic.  
> Hope you are as focused in protecting other species also.
> 
> This work is mostly my ramblings about something i felt too strongly about to let it go unsaid but have no one to share the thoughts with. It has lots of self esteem issues so please read at your own risk.  
> The scene is between the end of the case/dean-Amara talk and the last bunker scene. it's just rambling though, so it can even take place while the brothers are in motels in between the road trip. your choice.  
> Very very slight Destiel, mostly it's just very strong friendship.  
> It's a One shot as of now. But if i decide i want to write more in the future to this, i may add more. Although very slight chance because i want to see this going in canon only.  
> I am not gonna give away the entire story so lets meet at the end where i'll just ramble more on about my stupid strong feelings about small things.
> 
> enjoy guys!
> 
> Warning : Season 15 episode 15 references  
>  Self esteem issues.

** HAND ME DOWNS **

Sam has always been the one to share most of his personality traits with their Dad. The harder his younger brother tried to get away from their father the closer he got to becoming too much like him.

Both of them being too focused, too persistent, too practical and extraordinarily goal oriented. All the traits required in a hunter and apparently in a man of letters as well.

The similarities between them too many and too toxic to offer them a strong bond growing up. Well it’s not like Dean had a particularly healthy relationship with their Dad.

Dean was always a mumma’s boy even though he has just yearned for one his whole life. He had become the perfect soldier not because he was focused or wanted the yellow eyed demon gone. No. It had been because he had just wanted his family to always be together and healthy. Well as much healthy as they could be considering their jobs.

He has always just been the blunt little instrument who wanted to protect his remaining family while Sam developed into this brilliant young man with his own thoughts, priorities and goals. It’s ironical that Sam always got Dean’s hand me downs to wear but it’s always been Dean who felt like a hand me down.

His thoughts, his goals, his motivations even his choice in music and food had been a hand me down from their father. And later he just wanted to do everything that would get Sam to his goal.

And Sam did manage to achieve whatever he had his eyes set on. It was always Dean who first worked hard to make that happen and then brought everything down upon them. He can’t count the number of times he juggled jobs and school together to get money for Sam to go on some trip and then had to make the boy ditch the same trip when their Dad wanted them packed and moving.

He’ll never stop blaming himself about Sam losing the opportunities he had lined up just because Dean had felt too “lonely” one night travelling in the darkness of the night with no one to call and his Dad’s music blasting from the stereo of his Dad’s car.

Its pretty rare now a days that Dean’s thoughts turn that way where everything from his skin to inside his throat itches to be something else. When it seems that nothing belongs to him, not the greasy food in his belly nor the loud music in his ears.

It’s on days like these that even the sight of his beloved BABY makes his stomach churn. Reminds him of the time when the man he spent his life trying to be, sacrificed himself to give life to his son who was nothing but a hand me down personality with the goal to protect his brother. It reminds him of tearing down Baby and breaking her because doing that to himself would have left him unable to do his one job.

Today, he doesn’t know why he feels like this. There’s been no usual trigger, not any that he is aware of. But it just feels like he doesn’t belong, he is nothing and would never amount to something. His fingers are busy ideally pulling the threads of the blanket free.

Well, maybe someday, when someone cares enough to pull apart every thread that makes Dean himself, he’ll also get to know what he is supposed to be? Alastair had done that with him. But everything with that was so twisted up that uncoiling those would require dean to spend another lifetime.

He doesn’t think he is ready yet to accept the concept about rebirth and think about another lifetime being either a puppet or a double to somebody else.

He glances at the label of the whiskey bottle sat at his bedside. It’s the only whiskey he has ever drunk. First because Dad bought this one only and then because not changing the brand became a comfort.

A small laugh catches in his throat. Even his addiction and his choice of poison is a hand me down.

Someday he would like to make a list of everything that he likes owns or is because of his Dad. But the thought of everything of him except something important belonging to his dad makes him feel afraid. Pretending has always come easy to him.

On Some days like this one, it comes as a comfort to Dean that at least Sam has grown up to be someone with his own personality and traits. Yes he may share some of his traits with their father, but he is someone completely different and amazing and may be a little annoying, but himself nevertheless. That kid makes Dean feel proud of something on such days.

But some days, it makes Dean question that why he couldn’t be someone he could call himself and not feel like a body double or a poor fake.

The only one defining feature Dean sometimes could figure about himself is that he is a Grunt, a joker and looks pretty. Well is that all you require to BE someone or something? He doesn’t know. But they are the only words he has heard said or being implied about himself from an outsider ever.

But what he knows is that he doesn’t want to be defined like that.

He has always wanted to be someone people could trust, could lean on when needed. Someone who was not just being funny always but thoughtful and caring. Someone who could give strategic and caring ideas.

He doesn’t want to be like their father though. Yeah in some things may be, but even in his heart he knows how much damage their father did to them growing up.

He wants to be caring while also being ruthless. While not as awesome as Sam, he wants to be recognized as someone who has known about supernatural since being a 4 year old and does know his stuff.

_“it’s not a case. It’s tragic but the local cops can handle it, don’t worry about it.”_

_“well, maybe you two should go and check it out anyways, stretch your wings and stuff”_

_“What…Sam??”_

It was such a minute thing. A speck in the dirt that is his life. But it had suddenly gone and pierced dean’s heart. The blunt edges of a genuine reaction, not meant to deliberately hurt, but just there, had caused Dean’s heart to moan in agony.

Cas has always been the one who, by some unwritten rule has been Dean’s friend. His best friend, his buddy, just his. In the early days of their friendship or partnership whatever that had been, it was always Dean who called him, communicated with him, talked through decisions and even some issues with him. Cas had always put his trust in Dean, whether his plans or his decisions.

Cas had been the one person in those days when Sam was too volatile and impulsive, who had made Dean feel like he was worth something.

The friendship that had followed is still the best Dean’s ever had.

He knows he’s said hurtful things to Cas recently, taken him for granted sometimes and he still regrets that time he told Cas to move out after he had almost died and was still being hunted by his brethren. But Dean has never denied to not being that blunt little instrument and soldier always meant to protect Sammy and family. He has just always wanted to be something more.

And sometimes blaming his childhood for everything he does wrong is just easy, not the truth that Just is nothing more.

That way Cas had looked at Dean over his suggestion, his doubt filled eyes, that frown, the lack of trust in that gaze and then the call to Sam for confirmation. It had made him pull back for a second and just look at Cas feeling the sting of…something.

And when the confirmation from Sam had soothed Cas’s worries and he had agreed, Dean’s heart had lurched and then settled back deep in its confines making way for his ever present funny references and fake big smiles.

This time Cas had noticed something though, the reference now understood but that confused frown echoing with the wrongness that reverberated in their “profound bond”.

But there had really been nothing else to say or do or make understand. The lack of trust and doubt in Cas’s eyes made him realise how he had screwed up his one chance of being someone more than a grunt.

Jack already put his trust in Cas and Sam.

Dean would just always be there, not offering anything significant, but useful as a second hand.

He took a deep breath, feeling his vision darken at the edges not realising earlier that he had stopped breathing.

His vision cleared a bit and he looked down to his blanket realising his fingers had completely undone the messy patch work that had been done to hide the big hole in the soft second hand blanket.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope i haven't hurt anybody too badly with this. I apologize for anything someone found hurtful.  
> It's such a small thing, but i found myself contemplating on it that Cas who has always looked towards Dean for everything suddenly turned to Sam for confirmation. I love both the brothers. I have nothing against Sam. But it just hit me in my feels from the previous episode where i thought that Jack was also looking always for Sam and not Dean.  
> Maybe it's because Dean has had a miff with both of them during this time and thus i actually found Jack's reaction quite genuine. But i felt suddenly really hurt that Cas did that.   
> I know Dean hurt Cas and i have been very angry with that for so long. But then the sweet man cried and apologized and even though it doesn't make anything all good. It gave it somewhat of a closure.  
> Here, it just felt like Dean lost something or someone very important in that moment.  
> I am overthinking it all but as is the habit of mine. The writers or directors probably didn't even blink an eye.  
> What can you do other than ignore the entire end note...hahaha...
> 
> Anyhooo, Comments, kudos are always appreciated. Thanks for reading.


End file.
